


It's A Shame

by crystalstockings



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Empire Siblings - Freeform, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Shadowgast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:55:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalstockings/pseuds/crystalstockings
Summary: They finally get a moment to talk in private and rebuild the foundations of their relationship.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 83





	It's A Shame

**Author's Note:**

> I just know in my bones we won't see Essek for another couple of sessions. But I have Essek and Shadowgast brain rot so I needed an outlet. I won't lie, I wanted this to be smutty but it just didn't fit haha I do have plans for a smutty Shadowgast fic though ;)

"Please, ah, follow me."

It has been a rather... tense time, so to say the least, since they arrived at the base. Seeing Essek again had been everything he imagined and everything he didn't at the same time. It was awkward. Stifling. The conversation was clip and it felt like they were constantly dancing around each other to not tread on eggshells. He was thankful for the more straightforward members of the Nein - puncturing questing and digging for answers. Jester especially. As much as he worried about her ever-constant cheerfulness, she brought a sense of normality to the conversation. 

Hard to believe it was only a few hours ago.

The tension was still there between the Nein and Essek, simmering on low heat. The party was split with some ready to forgive and move forward, while others believe he may be beyond redemption. Not that he could blame them. If they hadn't seen Essek as a friend before the reveal, they probably would have given him over to the Bright Queen or whatever felt morally right at the time.

Caleb was uncertain how he felt. Morality was the ever-present question he had about himself and Essek. If he couldn't forgive Essek, could he find forgiveness in himself? If the Nein found out about Caleb under different circumstances, would they have so readily forgiven him or would they have treated him at a cautious arm's length? It was difficult not to spiral down that thought. So he repressed those thoughts. 

They had rooms in at the base, much nicer than the last establishment they had stayed at, being guests of the Shadowhand. But with Molly- no, Lucien- still out there and nine eyes spying on them, it didn't feel safe. For them, or for Essek. So he invited him to stay with them for the evening. 

He set down the wand and began casting the spell, with the Nein and Essek peering over his shoulder. He heard a soft "Ah," behind him. Essek was probably familiar with this spell. It wasn't Caleb's own, but he certainly added his own flair to it.

The door appeared in front of him. Marviously simplistic in design. 

"Let's go."

He entered the door first to show it was safe, returning to the familiar grand entryway he so carefully crafted in his mind.

"I hope you like it," he said as Essek stepped through, unable to keep the unbridled excitement out of his tone. It was one thing to show this off to his dearest friends. It was another to show it off to a fellow wizard, a peer. To a stretch, a mentor figure. 

Essek lips parted in wonder, gaze drifting around the room. Caleb recognized the subtle changes of his features as wonder as his gaze drifted from the stained glass window to the stained glass window. Each depicting the different schools of magic. 

"Your mind, as always, it's impressive."

They met each other's gaze and Caleb felt a glow in his chest from the praise. 

The rest of the Nein came though loud and boisterous as ever. They made their way to the invisible staircase.

"Good night, Essek!" Jester called out in her normal far too sunny tone, her feet lifting from the ground. The smile she was giving them was radiant.

"Night," Essek replied, watching as they all floated up.

There was a chorus from the other, biding good night and eager to get some rest in the warmth of the tower. They were all still feeling the toll from this mornings fight. 

"I will admit, I was a little inspired by you for this trick," he said as he showed him how to use the staircase.

Essek chuckled a little.

"I expect it is called Thyless' staircase then."

Caleb followed suit in the gentle laughter.

"We are rather egotistical creatures, aren't we? I'll have to give that some thought though." Caleb grinned. What was the point of being a wizard if you couldn't be a little be egotistical? Power wasn't granted to them as easily as, say, a sorcerer. "I know it is late, but can I give you the tour?"

"It would be a pleasure."

They landed on the first floor, greeted by a cross-armed, sour-faced Beau. 

"Mind if I tag along?" She lifted her arms above her head and there was a satisfying crunch. "Need to stretch my legs before I turn in."

Caleb didn't mention he gave her a training room for this exact reason. It was an obvious ruse that she wanted to chauffeur him. He was partly grateful for it, that she cared so dearly for him. But he wanted an opportunity to speak to Essek alone. 

Ironically, it was also her who tagged along the last time he wanted to speak to Essek in private. Her eyes shifted between them then too, but it was different. It was playful. It wasn't filled with suspicion and accusation. 

"Don't mind us if we can't keep up with your pace."

Beau snorted, eyes still flicking between Caleb and Essek. 

"I'll try not to run circles around you both."

Caleb took Essek on a short tour, showing him a few rooms of interest; the library, the dining hall, and the kitchen. He took special delight in how Essek was charmed by the cats. He asked Rudy they could bring him a bottle of wine, which made Essek laugh lightly. One brought out of a bottle with three glasses on a tray, miraculously balanced on a tail.

"Like a children's tale," Essek mused, gently patting the head of a cat in a way someone unfamiliar with the animals would. 

"My mother read me a story of a dancing cat when I was younger. It stuck with me and I've had a deep fondness for them since."

"You don't say," Beau said dryly, taking a sip from the glass of wine she poured for herself.

They took their glasses and made their way back to the so-called Theyless staircase. 

"I'm retiring for the night. I can show you to your room Essek."

He turned his gaze to Buea hoping she silently understood that he wanted to be alone with Essek. The time the three of them spent together, just shy of an hour, was surely enough proof that Essek wasn't going to murder him on the spot. They needed to begin trusting again somewhere. 

She rolled her eyes. 

"Have a good night," she said, leaving them both as she floated up to her floor. Caleb could see her shaking her head as she stepped onto the platform. He was definitely going to be chewed out once Essek was gone.

"I take it my room is also the next floor up?"

"It is. There are more rooms above too, but I'm sure you can understand we should respect their privacy as much as I would like to show them off to you."

He leads them to the guest room. He couldn't help but give the drow a sly smile and a wink as he opened the door for them.

It followed the same floor plan as the other apartments: A sitting room was followed by a custom room, then the bedroom with a bathtub. Like all the other apartments, it was unique, reflecting the person that resided in it. This apartment had a similar interior to Essek's home in Roshona. Clean lines and a deep colour pallet that showed off the splattering of iridescent decorations. It was dimly lit, unlike the rest of the tower, so it was easy on drow eyes. The stained glass window was the centrepiece of the sitting room, depicting an artistic interpretation of the dunamancy. They didn't stray further than the sitting room, but later Essek would discover the custom room was a private study area.

Essek lips were parted slightly in awe, touched. Caleb felt his chest warm with pride. His love langue had always been giving gifts. Seeing someone silently appreciate it always brought him unbridled joy. 

"I admit," Essek started, "I thought I was going to be shown a simple guest room. I certainly didn't expect, well, this." He made a gesture around the room. 

"Will you be retiring for the night, or do you mind having some company?"

"Please, stay. I feel like we still have so much to talk about."

They sat on the chairs, the roar of the fire filling being the only sound between them as the mulled over their thoughts. Caleb took a sip of his wine to wet his throat and to give him a splash of dutch courage. 

"I meant what I said on the boat, Liebling." Essek turned his gaze away from Caleb to look down at his glass. Caleb continued: "I'm also still hurt. So is the rest of the Nein. You know that, but..."

Caleb leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, trying to catch Essek's gaze.

"You were the first tutor I thought I could trust. My previous one was, shall I say, less than kind." Maybe one day he could expose his deepest wounds and scars to Essek, alongside his greatest sin. Not tonight. Maybe not for a long time. Perhaps never. But from the way Essek peered up to him now and how he submitted to his words on the boat, he figured that Essek had the insight to know that on some level they understood each other. "I thought I was forging a friendship with someone who understood me, who I could talk days to about the intricacies of the arcane. Who I could turn to when I can't figure something out and maybe help in return."

He paused to take a drink, eyes not leaving Essek. 

"I still feel we could be that," Essek said, voice small. Tired. "I... I missed you, all of you, dearly. I hope you can understand that. In all honestly, I thought you wanted nothing to do with me after the... the incident."

"We needed time. Besides, I'm sure you can understand now that we were a bit preoccupied."

"I can understand."

"And in all honesty, I think some of us could have done with a bit more time. Or at least after current predicament has passed."

"Yourself included?"

"Myself included," Caleb admitted. "Not because I didn't want to see you, but I because I knew that it was going to be difficult with other members of the Nein."

Essek hummed, expression pinched. It had been mixed reunion. A partly happy, mostly apprehensive, certainly untrusting. 

"I admit, I'm not too sure what my biggest regret is. That I hide it from you, or that I was careless and you found out."

"Not indirectly causing a war?"

"War would have broken out regardless," Essek dismissed, "they were just trying to find an excuse to break the tentative peace. I'm not going to lie about that and pretend to be truly remorseful."

If Caduces heard, he was sure he would have some more choice words to say. But he already gave Essek a gentle worded beating earlier and he wasn't sure if Essek could take another. Not unless he wanted to see some tears being spilt. 

"But," Essek continued, "I do regret that my greed blinded me of what's important, as our pink friend would say. My actions have put all of you - my friends - in a precarious position, war or not. I wish I could say I regret not being a cold-hearted as I thought I could be, but I would willingly endure this guilt for eternity if it meant sharing those few happy memories with all of you."

It was similar to what he said earlier and Caleb's chest warmed at that. Essek had regrets and he cared. Deeply. The bare minimum, sure. That was all he could ask for now. They had time now to start moving forward and setting things right. 

They were leaned in close. Caleb could see a splatter of beauty marks on Essek's skin and the detail in his grey eyes. Their knuckles brushed. He was hyper-aware of the sensation as it tingled up his arm.

Caleb leaned in to kiss Essek chaste on the lips. They were full and a little chapped from the cold. Then they were gone as soon as they had met. Essek's face was the picture of alarm.

They both breathed deeply. The thick tension between them reminded Caleb of when clouds would gather on a humid day. Or the split second just before he would cast a spell. When the air was charged and it made all the hairs on his arms raised. It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

This time Essek leaned forward but Caleb moved away before his lips could be captured. It was a strange, awkward dance they were playing, both unsure of what they want or where they stood. 

Caleb leaned back and coughed. He tried to will his heart to slow from its rapid speed. It was making him light-headed. 

"Scheisse. Sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he said. 

Essek slowly leaned back, reconstructing his face from hurt to disinterested. It made his heart squeeze, to accidentally lead Essek on like that only to shut him down so quickly. But it wasn't right. Not now at least.

"No worries. There are still things you need to know about me, I suppose." He spoke dryly. 

"That much I figured."

"I'm not constituted."

"Oh."

The felt like one of Beau's punches. Another lie. It was beginning to be a growing list. Caleb had to wonder how long that list would be and if you would ever stop growing.

"Does that bother you?" Essek asked.

"Not being constituted? No-"

"You know what I mean."

"The lying? Yes. I'd be a lier myself if I said it didn't bother me. How could we move forward then?"

There was an awkward silence between them that even the roar of the fire couldn't save. Caleb was tempted to order another bottle of wine, but he resisted. It would have been a terrible idea to get drunk tonight. At least in this sort of company.

"I have to ask, why did you feel the need to lie about that?"

Essek shrugged and tipped the rest of his down the back of his throat. His adam's apple bopped with the gulp. 

"I suppose I just wanted to impress. Besides lying is almost second nature now, and I didn't expect any of you to stick around long enough to find out," he chuckled darkly. 

It was a shame that he felt the need to lie about that. Especially over something so mundane. What else would he have gained from lying to them about that, other than to awe them?

"There is no need to impress us, Liebling. Besides, if I am honest, I was already impressed when I met you."

Essek's greyish toned skin turned a deeper purple. Up to the tips of his ears. Caleb felt like he had just unlocked a delicate part to Essek. Similar to a child, he had a deep desire to be seen and appreciated. Recognised as someone important. But like everything else, a title wasn't enough to satisfy him. He needed more. 

Essek stood, putting his glass down on the table. Caleb followed suit. He noticed that Essek wasn't floating as he was few inches shorter rather than the same height.

"I take it as my cue to leave."

"If you don't mind. I think we are both emotionally exhausted and we need a good rest before tomorrow."

Caleb nodded and made his way to the door. Essek followed him, footsteps light which was strange to hear. He had become accustomed to the strange silence when they moved together. 

"Goodnight."

"Night."

There was a second of hesitancy from Caleb, his hand on the doorknob. There was the return of the electrical pulse beating though him that made breathing a little more difficult and his cheeks hotter. Like he was on the cusp of a great discovery. Yet he was afraid to find out what that would entail. 

"I, ah, didn't regret kissing you earlier, Liebling."

A beat of silence. There was the return of the purple blush on his cheeks that could fool him that he was just an innocent young man, sweet with his first love.

"Neither do I. Maybe we can figure this out another time when there are no more secrets between us."

"Another time, maybe." It wasn't a promise from Caleb. There was still so much they need to talk about, so much they needed to know about each other, on top of the complications of a relationship between a Roshona drow and an Empire human. He wasn't sure if those feelings would still be present when they do emerge from the other side. 

He felt a gentle kiss to his cheek. Caleb's lips curved sadly. It was a shame there had to be so many-layered secrets between them.

\----

Caleb floated up the Thyless Staircase and noted Beau outside her room, sat leaning against the door with her arms crossed.

"You good?" She asked as Caleb floated past.

"I'm good," he replied, giving her a small reassuring smile. "I'm truly heading to bed now, so you should do the same."

"Just making sure your back before curfew," she jested, standing up.

There was a beat of silence as Caleb drifted up further, Beau no longer in his view. He smiled softly. 

"Thank you."


End file.
